The modern/post-modern/evangelical/skeptic

New Blog

2007-04-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

I want this to be at the top of the page so i am posting it again...

I have a new blog...im trying it out not sure if im going to keep it...let me know how you like it!!

it is Smoking George

the URL is wi11is.wordpress.com

the LL's are actualy ones "11" so dont use LL's

Humbled

2007-04-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

Once again I posted my thoughts and views, and once again i got an angry response from anonymous. He commented saying that i am a pessimistic, inarticulate, crude, sarcastic, critical, depressing Christian. I am humbly goign to say that this is a true statment, however i think he missed a couple so let me add on I am also angry, bitter, unpleasent, stink after long workouts, might suffer form the occasional male PMS, cursed with ADD, short and the list goes on and on!

Basically I am trying to say thanks to anonymous for pointing out the obviouse, I am a flawed individual. There where people in the bible who where perfect christians, they did everything right, and where seen as religious leaders...they where called Pharisees. I am proud to say i am not one of those!

You also said that i need to quit throwing stones at the church. well this is true, however i was throwing stones at spring arbor university, not at church.I can do little to change chapek speakers, or class topics; i am forced to sit through these things. I am doing things to imrove the situtation as far as church goes. I am dedicating my life to make change for the better. I suggest you take your own advice and stop throwing stones at me, and help me become a better person. Do this by adding to the discussion through questions and insightful comments. Stop wasting everyones time with your ignorant angry explosions!

New Blog

2007-04-18T10:13:00.000-07:00

I am switchin it up, and changing blog sites. My new site is wi11is.wordpress.com

the ll are ones 11 not ll

willis

I would kick his A@#

2007-04-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

If you know me, than you will know that i am probably the least likly person to actualy get into a fight. I just do go looking foro people to brawl with. However i seam to where a sign on my neck that says "challange me to a fight." For some reason people seam to pride themselves in thinking that they can "Beat me up." Its a funny ideal becasue who really cares for one, and the majority of those who seam to challenge me would proabbly loose (just to make a small claim to my mascalinity).

Today i was walkign into the library and these two people where chattign it up when one pointed at me and the other said "I would kick his a@#." The funny thing is he was completly serious. Who walks around pointing out people they could beat up, High school called and they want their drama back. He stared me down and did the cocky laugh as he walked away. I look at him with the most confused look on my face as if to say "What planet are you from" I was spechless. As i watched him walk away i felt anger build, and i actually wnted to walk him down and show him that i could indead dominate his skinny little...butt. This dude was smaller than me, but he had one of those, im more popular than you, attitudes. Im sure this was an attidtude that suited him well in high school, but as a freshmen in college im sure he will learn how truly little people care about how cool he thinks he is.

This post is dedicated to D-bags like him who continue to enrich our lovely society

P.S. I would have put him in the hospital if he ever challenged me to a fight, He would be eating through a straw for months.

Willis

Myspace

2007-04-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

My myspace is on the frits and its bothering the crap out of me. Im trying to change my profile layout..aka the background! Althogh im sure I will let me on soon and will be able to change it around.

Check it out www.myspace.com/trellis3000

another typical day

2007-04-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

Today i heard the same message that I have heard thousands of time in my life as a christian. In chapel the speaker spoke about not just bein friends with jesus but dying like he died, pickin up my cross, turnign from sin...bla..bla....bla..bla! In class i heard a message about how i need to leave my home and be a missionary to unreached indiginouse trible groups, becasue thats what jesus wants. Pretty much i learned today, just like every day at this lovely (sarcasm) college that i suck at life, and am doing nothing significant for christ.

Unfortunatly i will never buy into their lies and i can see past the constant alter calls, and challenges to turn from sin and take up my cross. I don't feel guilty when i don't rais emy hand and proclaim that i will take up my cross and live radically for christ, and proclaim that my life will be completly different from this momnet. I could raise my hand but it would be a lie. I would be no different than the momnet i walked in that building. Instead I continue to see my life as a journey that i am struggling through. Meeting new challenges daily and screwing things up just as much as usual. Maybe im just too much of a realist in my belive that we arn't meant to live converstion to converstion. Maybe my ideal of actualy living a life of struggle and slow progression is just hat, an ideal. however my ideal makes a tad more sence than turning from sin completly, only to have to do it again in the next chaple service.

Educated Exegesis = Crazy Worldview

2007-04-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

Today during one of my thousands of exegetical assingments, i was faced, yet again, with the reality that any educated individual can easly see holes in the view of most conservative christians. This education that i speak of is not in reference to time spent in a schooling situation, rather comon sense and the ability to read. The materials that i read from people who are highly educated, like commentaries, and books by proffesors all point to a common theme "Christians are way off the mark in most of their biblical exegesis."
It is amazing what we can uncover in scripture by actually looking behind the text and not take it literly. There is a danger when we read a letter from paul, and for his opinions to fit situations in our lives. He was writing his letters to a completly different culture, in completly differnt time period, with imensly differnt problems. When we look behind the original meaning to the heart of the message, or the significance in the greater story we see a much differnt paul, a much differnt church, and even a much different God.
The bottom line is that we are never as right as we think we are. The un-negotiable we hold as christians can be highly asinine, and in need of some revision. We can't fear change or transformation, instead we need to wrestle with it to regain our relevance to the world around us. With this type of aprouch to scripture we will be different, and threatening. To most our worldview will seam crazy, un-inspired, sinful, and a clear abominashion of the text, however its actualy the complete opposite. The only worldview that is truly messed up and crazy is the one we are all duped into fallowing, aka the current christian worldview.

official!

2007-04-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

Well i made it officail on facebook today so i thought i would let you peeps know to. The most eligable bachlalor...me, is no longer so. I was finaly able to trick someone into dateing me. Okay i didn't really trick her, i think this one actually like me...haha. Just wanted to let you all know that i am no longer single, which makes me happy.

:-)

More inspiration from my coffe shop computer!

2007-04-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

The movie breakfast club is as true today as it was a billion years ago when it came out (sorry if that makes you feel old). However their are different types of groups and people wherever you go. Here at SAU their really arn't different group, just people who wan't to be in a certain group. Basicaly they are a bunch of wanabe's.

Today i was listenign to someone order some tea at starbucks, and he was trying to sound really cool. The conversation revolved around the different "ZEN" teas, and this is when it struck me, these two really have no clue what they are talking about. These two people in particular are both from "OHIO", they don't smoke pot, nor do they have any clue how to achive zen. They are christian college studetns who want to be "Starbucks Cool," sorry but the label i was think ing of was more along the lines of "complete Tool."

I know some people here at spring arbor who could have a conversation about differetn Zen tea's, and actually know what they are talking about. People who grew up in the city, and actauly fit into that culture. I don't know why i write this it was just funny to me!

Willis

To anonymous

2007-04-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

I fully admit that my words in my pervious blog where not well thought out, nor where they spelled right. This is mostly due to the 5 min I had to write it, not an excuse I maybe should have thought a little more before publishing. Let me re-write what I meant to say, not what I said.

What I’m trying to get at with this story is that in my journey with Christ he has not come down from the clouds and spoken to me one on one. I have spoken to many pastors in conservative, “emergent”, and the charismatic camps, and I have never heard of them talking to God one on one. I would agree that God will use certain things and people to confirm a calling, or a vision, but most of the time these things are still cloudy, and need further poking and prodding.

I’m simply trying to warn people from over using the God card and saying that this is for sure what “God” is telling them to do. Maybe you have a good feeling or the things that God is putting into your life are pointing in a direction, but its hard to know for certain. I thought that once God was telling me to move from home…I didn’t after actually thinking about it, and know that I look back on the whole situation I can see that God probably didn’t intend on me moving away from home.

True, my experiences aren’t like everyone else’s experience, and maybe God does speak to others in a way that leads them to say exactly what God is telling them to do. However in the majority of the people I have talked to share a similar experience as I. In conclusion we shouldn’t be afraid to say that “I want to do this,” lets take a little more responsibilities for what we want to do, and maybe use the “God wants me to” card a little less.

To anonymous, I do appreciate you pointing out that I was wrong in writing what I did. I would just ask that next time you do it in a little more respectful way. I didn’t appreciate the way you tried to make me look dumb, with all the quotation marks and what not. Next time just say what’s on your mind, and add to the discussion. Sorry if I took it the wrong way by being offended by your comment, but I did!

Sorry to everyone else for writing irresponsibly, and quickly, I will try not to let it happen again, but it will so give me some grace please.

Willis

Manipulating Jesus

2007-04-02T10:20:00.000-07:00

I sat in a different seat today due to my computer bein taken...grrrr! I made the best of a negative situation by sitting on the other side by the couches. I over heard another conversation while i was doign my homewrok today. I don't know exsactly what these two people where talkign about but i over heard a genreal theme. The girl was tryign to defend her position or her dicision with the popular tag line "God wants me to do this," I find this extreamly puzzling that someone can be so sure of what God is asking them to do. We make it sound like God comes down from the clouds and speaks to us one on one, however this is never the case. I know the God that i fallow speaks not thorugh an audible voice, but through circumstances in my life. I have passions, goals, visions, dreams, and talants that where all given from God. Pursuing these thigns will ultimatly lead me to where God wants me. i have never had God say to me "Michael you must go to spring arbor, put up with a bunch of crap, and then graduate with a degree that pretty much isn't worth anything!" I did it becasue it made sence, it was a logical next step for me. I didn't Manipulate Jesus by saying God is telling me that i must go here, it just happened. Just another funny little convo i had the privlage to eves drop on! or something like that!

willis

Idealistic

2007-03-29T09:03:00.000-07:00

I am definatly a creauture of routein. There is one computer at the library that i must sit at every day. My computer in the library is one of only a couple of macs, and it is right in front of the starbucks and right next to the window. When i look to my right i can see all sorts of different people walking to class, playign frisbie, hoplessly flirting with wemon way to attractive for them, or just lolygagin around.

Almost every day i am also able to evesdrop on conversations that are happening in the line waiting for 20$ coffe. It is interestign what people talk about, however not that interesting because it all usually ends up being some overly spiritual convo. I am craving some spiritual but not christian conversation, to listen in on. It seams as if the conversations around here seam to repeat themselves.

Today i was listening to some of my friends in the youth ministry department talk about church. They where talking about the injustice of willow creek, and they pretty much all of willow creeks problems in one short sitting. Im not sayign their conversation was un-true, nor un-insightfull. They where probably very accurate with some of the points they where making, however it just shows how idealistic us college students can be. We can solve all of the worlds problems in five minutes, and think everyonw else is crazy fro not seing it. Maybe im just pesamistic in my understanding that the world just doesn't work this way. I belive a big reason why im not liked so much in discusion circles, is becasue i don't let people get away with pie in the sky rationals.
Yes living in a commune with every one in the whole world would be cool, and then no one would be poor, but it doesn't work that way.
Yes selling all of my possessions and living on PB and J would be very christlike, but my wife and kids will hate me!!
Yes church sucks, and they arn't living and workign in the correct "community", and our worship services arn't "vintage" enough," but our view of the church is imiture and void of any real life expereince.

I wonder If being idealistic is having childlike faith...It has all of the charecteristics of a child. Its ideals that are derived from very little real life expereince. However this can't be childlike faith, or itdoesn't make sence if it is. Would we really be encouraged to blinldy fallow ideas that are half informed, and foolish. Is it wrong to look at a problem and see realistic ideas and idealistic ones?

Akon aint got none!

2007-03-26T17:18:00.000-07:00

This weather has been just what i needed to help pullme out of the slump that i was in. A month ago life seamed so repetative and enduring, now its once agian full of life. It's no wonder why i get depressed in the winter, i do so much in the summer. Today i lifted, played football, walked to school, boarded to school, and later on tonight i will probably go biking with my roomate.
Today on my run I was accompanied by a music that trumps all. I was runnign by a bunch of farms, and swamps which produced a melody unlike no other. The sound of frogs, crickes, and other wildlife made a beautifull sound. I know this sounds mushy, but it was figin great it feals like life is living. Im no longer dead, and neither are my surrondings.

Yehaaaa :-)

Pressures

2007-03-25T17:28:00.000-07:00

Life is introducing a whole new set of pressures towards the end of this school year. I can not explain the types of feelings that I am having, nor why they are happening. I can’t really put words to it it’s a mixture of fear, excitement, and re-birth.
I am afraid because I am very far behind and lack any form of motivation to catch up. All of my thoughts are far from the classroom, and the computer lab. The only thing I can think about is life and what it is going to be like to finally be able to live it. For years I have been jumping through academic hoops in order to get a little piece of paper that says I am trained. I guess I am also afraid that I may just be trading academic hoops for full-time employment hoops. I know that my little piece of paper that says I’m trained really doesn’t mean anything in the scope of what I have yet to learn.
The pressures that I am feeling are also a part of the re-birth that I am going through. Lately I feel that I have been stepping out and truly claming my identity beyond what I look like, or what I do, but by who I am. It is a process of letting my pride down to do things that I want, because I want to and not because others deem it necessary. I do things because it me and not because it defines me!

Bring it world. I’m ready!

The cool breeze and feelings of weightlessness

2007-03-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

Nothing makes life better and brighter like a fresh spring night much like last night. I left my house at 12:30 and rode my bike to a park that I find to be quiet and peaceful. I parked my bike up against a bench and then took a seat and I fixed my eyes on the clear night sky, dotted with stars that where burning in the distance.

Staring up at the sky I settled into a state of mediation in which I could feel myself become lighter. I simply stared in amazement at the little burning balls of gas thousands of miles away. As the cool spring breeze flowed across my body like a wave of soothing water, I felt it take away grey; the feelings of depression, confusion and sadness that haunt me during the winter months. I was put into a state in which I was truly weightless and at peace with myself.

It is times like this and nights like this that I can do something that many people fail to do, something many people are discouraged form doing. I was able to be 100% honest with God and myself. I softly spoke my mind and allowed time for my words to sink in. Lately I have felt like I have been discovering pieces to a giant puzzle, but none of them have been connecting. It seams like I am receiving pieces to a completely different puzzle altogether. Sitting in this state of true chill I was able to discover a piece that is helping me connect some of the pieces, and inevitably creating something beautiful.
I am coming into a state in which I can see my life not as an accident, not as a mistake, not as rebellion, not as dirty or wrong, but as purposeful and beautiful. I am learning that my thoughts and my ideas aren’t “wrong,” but are actually pieces of a puzzle that makes a different picture than what I have been tricked into seeing. The next leg of my journey that I am about to face doesn’t scare me it excites me. I am privileged to share my new viewpoint of life and God to others, hopefully allowing them to also feel beautiful and purposeful.

Faith or Fear

2007-03-12T17:03:00.000-07:00

I caught the end of an interesting show last night on the national geographic channel. It was about blind people in North Korea who where seeking healing. Normally when I think of healing I picture some charismatic on the cheesy Christian station going crazy, in front of a stage that came form a palace in France. The scene in this documentary was completely different and believe it or not even creepier.
Imagine hundreds of Koreans silently sitting in there seats stiff as manikins frozen in a trance. Scattered among the crowed where people with patches over their eyes, hoping for healing. Then one by one a doctor would approach the victims and pull the patches off their eyes. The blind person would claim to be healed, then they would walk up to a picture of Kim Jong-Il, and praise this ”great” general for the healing he had done. When a person was praising the general, the whole room would join in. They would all stand up wave there hands and say “praise general Kim Jong-Il” five or six times then sit down. The things the people where saying was truly disturbing, One women said “I will work extra hard in the rice fields to earn the healing I have been given.” Another man said that he would kill every American enemy he possibly could. These people honestly believed that Kim Jong-Il was the one supplying the healing powers; well I guess who am I to say it wasn’t.
I was witnessing shocked me, I couldn’t tell if the people where really being healed, or if they where afraid to say that they weren’t healed. They did everything like it was a motion they had done many times before. There was little emotion, and a robotic movement that couldn’t possibly be real. If they said they had not been healed than they would probably be punished for saying that the general could not do it. The person doing the documentary even said that she couldn’t tell whether they where being healed from a true faith or if they where simply afraid…or even both.

I will just leave with some thoughts that I have been pondering. Are we like the north Koreans, do we fallow god out of faith..or fear..or both! Do we think that healings and stuff are happening even though its mere figment? If people in North Korea are being healed, then is it possible that it is simply a high amount of suggestibility that leads us to believe that God is doing the same now? Just thoughts, and questions! Does God heal, or are we just freaks?

Test

2007-03-08T08:49:00.000-08:00

TEST
Its true studying for test actually helps! I don't know where it came from, but for some odd reason i inherited a little something called motivation. This "motivation" pushed me to study for a test in my music foundations class. Lucky thing i did because i would have probably gotten like a 10% and im pretty sure i got at least a 90%. mayeb its the fact that im almost done thats allowing me to grin and bear it, i don't know.

RUNNING
The change in temperature has been extramly nice over the last couple of days, its no cambodia, but its warmer than a couple of weeks ago. Due to this awsome anomaly i have been able to start runnign outside. It feels good to strap on the oll runners, and trote down the road, breathing heavy and coughing up a winters worth of junk. My body is tierd but it will get used to it!

SPRNG HILL
Im really excited to go to spring hil this weekend, i havn't been doign anything with middle schoolers, pretty much all year, and i definatly miss it. Part of me wishes i would have gotten more involve in a youth ministry while being in college. I know ive missed out on soem good times, and even some extra learnings that could have been had. on the other hand, it has been nive to have a little break since i have been in youth ministry since my first year of pre-pubesent middle school! The break has been nice but im eager to get back into it!

NOT SO-SMALL GROUP
I recently droped out of my small group. It was one of those deals where it just really didn't fit "me." There where many reasons, one being the fact that it was a small group of 12!! it took two hours for introductions. The guys in the group where really good guys however,i just feel like we are on different journeys. They are heavy into gifts of the spirit, you know healing, prophecy, and deliverences. I thought it would be interesting to get involved in a group like this and explore different ways that God can work through us undeserving pesants! In the end we are just different people wih a much differnt journey.

I just started meeting with my friend craig every wednesday morning, and our meetings have potential. However we aer both very easly distracted and both have an un-healthy addiction to "The Office." Our last two meetings have been good, but a little unproductive.

anyways, this blog is way to long, and im way to hungry!

Bye

kissie face

2007-03-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

so im in the computer lab becasue the internet we are barrowing from our neighbors wirless is not wroking, and there are two people in front of me being all kissie and cudlie.....GET A ROOM....No one wants to see that!!! Man i need to get out of this place!!!

This is why im hot!

2007-03-05T19:01:00.000-08:00

sorry i was just singing that song with my roommate....weird i know!

So heres the update....

Half way through the semester, not sure how everything is going to end up. Im a little behind but not near as much as the past so im not worried... I just had teh best thats what she said moment...but it would be inapropriat for me to write that right now!

im really excited fro this summer, im interning at spring lake wesleyan church which will be frigin awsome! Im excited to be on the west side of the state where all the fun is! Im also going to be living with wally and sarah wich will be really cool. my roomate mike actually goes to springlake wesleyan so we should have a fun summer, that is if he can actualy manage to stay single!

whats the girl situation like? good question i would like to know as well! still don't understand um, but where making progress.

Im livin in a sweet house with some cool roomates so everything is pretty good, just waitin...waitin..waitin on the world to change. okay so im actually waiting for the semester to be done so that i can get the heck on with the little thing called life.

that was just a little bit of an add update!!

writing

2007-01-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

Im sitting down tryign to write a paper on my expereinces in cambodia. This should be extreamly easy, seeing that i just spent three weeks in the country. However whenever i try to start, i just think of so much, and the things i think about are sill fresh in their development. I can already tell that this paper is going to be nothing more than fragmented thoughts and ideas. I knew that this would happen, i knew nothing would impact me or suprise me in the midst, however know i can start to see the problems. Well this paper isn't gogin to write it-self better get back to it.

sick

2007-01-16T22:25:00.000-08:00

It is my last day in cambodia. Wich is good becasue that means im gettign closer to a doctor..haha. I havn't been able to eat for the last four days, and i feel like a train wreck. i actuall was able to eat a little today so hopefully that means im getting better. Im not sure what it is, becasue ive never had anything like this before, basicaly i go to sleep at night tossing and turnning and have wierd half awake, half asleep dreams, then durign the day i barley have energy to move, and i can't hold food down. well i guess in order to experince the true cross cultural expereince, one needs to feel what its like to be sick.

today i fly out of cambodia, then im gogin to spend two days in hong kong, then i will leave hong kong saturday, and arive saturday in the us. im not sure when i will be gogin back home to allendale, it depends on how quickly i can catch up on sleep. well i have to go. see ya.

Willis

slow

2007-01-13T20:21:00.000-08:00

The internet is really slow here, it took me fifteen minutes to get to this posting scren thing. ah well!

We only have a handfull of days left in cambodia, and that im excited about. We will be makign a trip by plane to angor wat, which is the most famous site in cambodia, so that should be sweet.

Ive learned some intererstign things while talking to RDI (rural development international). They gave me hope for christians and cambodians. On there team they have chemists and doctors who are workign to give cambodians clean drinking water. They told us about a huge problem with the wells that are being drilled all around the world, and the tests they have been running, that has been proving that drilling a deep well is not only not helping, but it is alos doing worse becasue the water is become even more contaminated. They said that world vision adn those typs of places don't even test the water that comes from the wells that they drill, snd that they are possibly doing way more harm than good...something to look into.

They are mass producing cheap..cheap water filters and storage units for families in cambodia, and their revolutionary ideas for productions, are spreading, and i belive we will ber hearing a lot about these water filters in the future.

There is a wedding going on right outside of the internet cafe, and it is really anoying..haha..the music and singing is startign to get old, can't wait for american music.

today i get to go to the market and shop so im excited, hopefully i can buy a bunch of cool stuff. ive already gotten about 20 dvd's some of them just came out in theater, and yes they do work, wheve played them already. im excited to get to have a fun day today, its been an exaughsting trip but i have been trying realy hard not to be negative, and to turn this trip into a positive, and i think its working...still want to come home!! but im emjoying my time here while i still can. It differetn becasue we are celebrities everyewhere we go. We get the fancy rooms, and twenty people servign us at all tims. part of me just want to be able to disapear in the crowed agian. It's nice not being noticedd every second, i miss that. well im gogin to go shopping, and im sure i will sweat a whole bunch more, its been about 90 here, and the sun is very hot!!! although its much better than snow so ive been enjoying it. well see you in a week!

Willis

Hey nate

2007-01-09T20:55:00.000-08:00

Hey i wrote you an email, i sent it to the e-mail, on the iamwatermark home page..

sorry everyone else, i wanted to write more but my time has been cut short.

Willis

Short Term Missions trip

2007-01-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

I won't complain too much in this blog, but i need to get a couple things of my chest right off the bat. One of the main things im learnign is how not to lead a trip to a forien country. This trip has been turned into a missions trip gone wrong. The other day we handed out candy to malnurished children...CANDY!!! im sure the little peices of sugur are gogin to do great fro there vitamin lacking bodies. The sad thing is every one keeps pattign themselves on the back for doign so. I will tell more stories later, but on this trip im afriad we are doign way mroe bad than good in cambodia. I was coming here with the hopes to learn about he culture, however i havn't learned much at all. Our whole class is exaughsted and we all want this trip to be over and we want to go home, this is the trip from hell. It has been run extreamly poorly. i havn't had a good meal in a couple of days, becasue we keep stoping at random gas stations to get food....i can only have oreos as a meal once. wow sorry, i just feel like ive wasted a lot of money!!!!!

Here is teh other end of the storym the things i am teachign myself through this trip.

The things i have seen, have been crazy. I can't bein to explain the conditions in which these people live. I went to a villiage and visited some people their and they really od live off nothing. yet they arn't very smart. This is due to the pol pot regiem wich killed off all the educaterd in cambodia. the people have been left to rebuild their country, therfore everything out here is rather random and doesn't make much sence. or maybe im just thinking to american. The people on our trip are amazed by the joy of the people, which is funny to me because thats not what i see. When i look at the people, i can see a desperation. They all seem to be floatign through life with no purpose, no goals. I was talkign to some local studetns and i asked them what they did..and they said "nothing" they litterly do nothing all day, and that is what everyone out here does. When we drive around everyone is justr kind of hangin out on the streets. I wonder what would happen if we could give the children more than candy, or more than a smile, what would happen if we could give them the power to dream. Give them the power to stand up and make a difference in their world. Im sorry that im not happy with giving them money and candy, but thats because I want to give them more!! I don't know if i can take it any more. I don't know if you know what it is like to hold a kid in your arms, and watch them smile at you, with a mouth full of rotting teeth. This wasn't even the worst. We visited rubish mountain..its a dump, a litteral place where they dump the trash. And we visited teh village that was in the middle. I saw kids, mothers, fathers, and grandparents, living, eating, and playing in trash. They where so dirty and smelled so bad, they almost wherent even people. They where almost like another form of animal.....how does this happen, i hope our peices of candy hellped them a lot, becasue i know it made our group feel like the changed their whole world. I can't help but to sit in my hotel, and sit in silence, and wonder what has gone wrong with todays christians, how can we all be so blind. How can we look at a world in such hurt and think we can help by bringing asmile...im sorry but we need to do better than that...

We have been talking to the assistant professor of the trip, in hopes that it will change, so hopefully in the next couple of days i will learn why all this is happenign, and be able to share the story of cambodia with all of you.

thanks for reading,

Willis

fithly rich, in a filthy place

2007-01-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

I only have 10 min so this has to be quick...I can't explain cambodia to you with words, you will have to see the pictures..basically their is trash everywhere, and people everywhere. Here i am like a king, and i am the rich. everywhere i go i am eatign and staying at the fancy places, and im hating every minuite of it. the people here think that they are nothing compared to us, they hide there faces, and are ashamed. The smell here is the most foul thing ever. you can smell trash, sewer, drying meat, and incense.
The streets are chaos, and dangerouse. I have never been htis afraid of simply walking or being in an area. Everythign is dirty and extreamly unsanitary. I hate bein here and definatly want to come home, but you never learn any lessons if you don't stiuck with it....this place sucks, thats all i can say. I saw a kid sleeping on the edge of the side walk, sprawled out a dirty, with an extreamly week breath, i probably witnessed a kid dying.

I can't explain this place at all, its a hell hole!!

If eaten lots of crazy things, like chickens feet, and deep fried mountin spider(looks just like a teranchula) Its an adventure, but im not realy enjoying it, it sucks here..it sucks...it sucks...it sucks!! I hate drivign around in a huge bus with a ton of white chicks. nothign says where rich and your not like that. Everywhere we go where treated liek royalty..i hate it....i wish i could have done this trip with like three peopole. instead it justr looks like we are flaunting our money with our huge group of extreamly nicely dressed studetns. man this sucks....i hate making them feel worthless...i hate whats gogin on here, and i hate how these people have to live. We are so privlaged!!!!!!!!!!!!

swirling

2006-12-23T20:13:00.000-08:00

I have so many things swirlign through my mind right now. Life has taken such a huge turn, and it is no longer comfortable. I feel like im challenging every relationship, in some way or another. I want peace but my search for more understandign is bringing conflict around every corner. I bought a punching bag at good will today, and if i could hang it up rigth now i woudl have a go at it. I am coming to the realization that when you change, everyone else does not, and might not agree, and might protest. Some call it growth, i call it hell. I really wish i could retreat from everything right now, i wish i could join a ferturnity and be a wild crazy college student, who was acpected to do stupid things, and not someone who everyone puts THEIR rules on. "why are you doign that i thought you where gogin to becoem a pastor" man im sick of hearign that. I know its a necesary evil, but i just wish i could live life differently if even for a day. I guess i have to pay now to play later, i just feel that peopel are expecting me to mature over night, and not have a normal early adult, college life. I feel as if im not-allowed to be a normal human, but i ahve to be a super pastor, a bitch of those who tithe, and hold theri positions over others who don't "mesure up"

sorry for making mistakes, sorry for being normal

willis

Whatever

2006-12-11T22:13:00.000-08:00

Well i definatly can't share all the stories of whats been going on in my life so i will give a quick update of the positives that have come from all of the crazines over the last couple of weeks.

I still don't know what to think about all this charismatic stuff. I have been seeing some weird thigns, expereinceing waierd thing, soem extreamly believable and others not -so-much. I know at this point i definatly can't say that God doesn't work through the gifts of the spirit anymore...there you go..i confessed..i am now a wierd-o...but i don't really care! I truly do belive that God is still using the gifts like prophecy, healing, deliverances, and possibly tounges and other things of that nature but the verdict is stil out on those. Maybe im wrong!

However will all that stuff aside, I don't really care about those things, the thing that i care about, is that i am actually praying again!! maybe some of the prayers are a little wierd, but others are completly normel..if praying to a God is ever normal!! however my room-mate and i just got done prayign for over an hour...and it went by extreamly quickly...Its always good to have an extended time of prayer, It reminds me of how fast an hour goes at the hub, in the prayer room!!

Is charesmatic stuff real....i don't know..but im praying...and searchign for God..and through many different events in my life i can definatly see him working..Im not sure what my future holds, or in what ways i will chose to worship him, but i do hope that he uses me!

Nate-- I miss you, i can't wait to come home and soke up some more real life knowledge, and not college crap!! I hope the family is doing good, hope ryder and dekota are enjoying basketball, and i hope that sydney is still being the cutest girl ever, and that Jen isn't pullign her hair out having to deal with all of them!! I can't wait to hang out with all of you guys and drew and jamie, the times are always good!

Wally--I miss you aswell, i can't wait to hear moer of your stories, and hear how life is going! Hope shara is doing good with all the college crap! Hope her g-pa is doding good.

Andrew-- thanks for praying with me today, it was sweet. Definatly have to do it more often!! can't wait to get the prayer room actually set up, its gogin to be good!

i think your the only three that read this..wich is cool with me!

peace,

willis

When life is in light speed, i choose to sit!

2006-12-08T22:27:00.000-08:00

Everything around me seems to be going at a pace that is impossible to keep up with. When I start to learn something new, wheve already moved on. When i meet a friend im already saying goodbye. When i make a small change in life it seems to push me down a long road. I feel as if i have a rocket strapped to my back and the smallest decisions will lead me spirialing in the wrong dierection. I keep finding myself in situations that I don't want to be in, and places that i don't care to return to. My life is travlign at light speed, and my mind is fragmented into so many different things. I am still wondering who i am, what do i belive, who do i like, who do i love, who can i call friend, who can i trust, what does this mean, why life, why me, why ministry, am i doing the right thing, beleiving the right thing, who am i neglecting, am i wasting my time, am i missing someone in need, is this the right path, do I love me, do they love me, what is love, can i love, how do i love, .

My life is going in light speed, and all i want to do is sit. I want to slow my world down, and just chill. No more noise, no more pain, just sit, relaxe, let it all go. In a world of lightspeed i choose to sit.

hello, goodbye

willis

Social Justice

2006-12-08T08:50:00.000-08:00

Here is my beef with social justice....

Don't get me wrong when i say that i have beef with social justice. I am trying to care what is going on in the world, and i am looking for my part in it. The thing that gets me saying "wait a minute" is the way that "all knowing" college studetns go about it. I am sick of the arrogance that goes behind backing a cause that they belive in. Their caus ebecomes the only casue and everyone else is serving the wrong cause. They get so consumed in what they are doing that they become social justice know-it-alls! Everything becomes social justice, and they turn into these mini-hippies, who hold there hippines over everyone. The thing that anoyes me the most is that they will tell me that I need to stop shopping so much "did you know that the money you spent on that scarfe could feed a family of four for three years?" It goes back to when paul talkes about examining the plank your eye before pointing out the speck in someone elses eye. My scarf might have cost 15 bucks, but the i-pod your holding as you scold me is worth way more, or the money that you spend on your instruments, shows, starbucks coffe, and even all your good will crap (even though some does go to hoomeless, you can justifie it however you want), however intell you are giving 100% of your income to social justice don't tell me how to spend my money. I heard someone in the library today say "i would rather give my tith to a town in africa where they can have water, than give it to a church for a new sound board." What an argogant, shity way to look at things! Im sick of people thinking that they know it all, and im sick of their judgments of church. Why don't they join a chuch, show the church the need and partner with the church. Im sure a lot more people in africa could have water if you chanelled efforts through the church..wow i can't belive im even saying this. bottom line, i used to hate church, however now i can see that the strength in numbers can be good...so Mr. know-it-all college studens, TAKE YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASS'S!!!!!!

HELP ME PLEASE

2006-12-07T18:28:00.001-08:00

Hey if you read this blog, please give me your blog adress so that i can put it in my side bar, i accidently dealeted all of them, and i have no clue what they are....thanks!

Willis

Dispensationalism

2006-12-04T18:10:00.000-08:00

Well Nate and Wally, i figured you are probably the olny to readign this so instead of e-mail i figured i would just respond to your question(Nate) as a post.

first off when i said dispensational upbrining, i in no way meant you guys, i would say that your far from dispensationalists. I guess i was using the term loosly in my last post, when i was describing my upbringing as being dispensational. I guess i shoudl re-word my statment and say that my thought process leaned twards dispensationalism, because of my expereinces through church as a kid and in jr high, and high school. Im not sure if this was anyones fault but my own, Whenever we woudl do something with ministry it just seamed like it was either recomit your life to jesus or give your life to jesus for the first time. It was ll about getting in to heaven and tryign to get a couple of notches on your belt by gettign others to coem with. When we evangelized it was through a turn and bur type senario (this was in early jr high)

Therfore i was pretty much starting to feel like God only worked through plucking the heart strings so that we would pray a certain prayer of salvation and be in, he didn't really do more than that. This was the way i viewed god, it was a tad dispensational, in that i belived that God really didn't do miracles, and if he did it would never hapen, to or through me.

In high school i guess i started to get introduced to some wider veiws of God, and that if you pray for stuff you might actually get more than just spiritual kudos form your bible teacher. However you guys know that i have ha some real problems with doubting if God is even real, and i wasn't even convinced that God coudl even work through prayer. Later on in life, like right after college, i pretty much belived that it was alla waste of time, and every time we would pray i would secretly be thinking nothing is going to happen, althogh i hoped it would. Workign with watermark, i started to open my eyes a little, and i do thank you guys for that.

When i was workign under Dan he taught me a lot about beign in a relationship, and that these relationships wheren't about just getting them to say a prayer.

Nate when we started meeting you ripped me out of the shell i was in a strated me on a new path. Now im just tryign to learn as much about God as i can, now that i think he might actually be real..ya know. so when i said a dispensational up-bringing i gues i meant that i had become a bit dispebsational. because of my up-bringing. Sorry for the confusion, i hope i didn't offend anybody. I am looking forward to coming home in a couple of weeks.

Peace, Willis

college life is nothing more than nose deep in commentaries

2006-12-03T19:06:00.000-08:00

These last couple of days i have been spending a whole great deal of my time reading bible commentaries. We will put aside the extreamly boring and daunting task of scripture exegisis, and focus on the comentray. I have been amazed at the amount of detail a commentary has about the smallest verse. Reading the notes in these commentries bring me to the realization that we christians have really screwed up in our interprutations. The passage that i am doign comes out of colossians 2:16-18, and it deals a lot with people judging others for not fallowing the same rituals or laws. Its amaing that through all of the reading that i have been doing, i have pretty much completly tore down the foundation that many christians build their lives on. I shoudl be excited about this, but im in the homework mode, so nothing is exciting. I am looking forward to being done with classes so i can do studies of my own, with comentaries and good stuff like that.

I don't want to be a bible basher, or a know it all, but i don't want to be stupid and iliterate, so im gogin to have to do some study for myself sooner or later!

peace, willis

UV Happiness

2006-12-01T15:08:00.000-08:00

I just got back from the tanner...yes..it was awsome!!

Last nigth I attended consuming fire. This has become a weekly thing for me, not by chore, but by choice. Consuming fire, if you can't tell by the name, is the gathering at spring arbor that revolves around spiritual gifts. Usually i would call these people crazy and then tell a series of jokes a thier expense. However its tough to do when the people who are in and runining consuming fire are all your most respected friends. I started to go to give it a chance, to see if it could be real.
What i have discovered is no good, it might be real. If i do discover that my dispensational upbrining isn't as sound as i thought, than my future is in for a bit of change. I will no longer be what some people call, normal. All charesmatic people, are crazy, and weird. If this stuff is true, than i have to find a way to make all of this crap...not crazy..but actualy amazing.

The stuff i have witness, seen, and prayed for myself has been far from normal. However it has done something i wouldn't have expected. It's making faith something real, something tangebil, yet still extreamly untangebal. It breaks from story to truth, from fantasy to raw reality. It is making it impossible to doubt, impossible to live comfortably! Its taking my anger, and turning it into passion! Ive been waiting a long time for some passion, so is it real, im not sure yet.

prayer

2006-11-29T20:48:00.000-08:00

Im turnign into a charesmatic...why am i so wierd!!!

Dear Wally

2006-11-26T16:30:00.000-08:00

Hey wally i now your the only one checkin this, so hey in advance!!

I had a realization today on my walk to the library, and it relates to my extream discomfort about beign at spring arbor.

Are you ready for it....

here it is "Everbody is weird, its like they are in a year long j.r. high all nighter."

I simply can't relate to these people..they are far to weird for me to comprehend...you would thing we would have a shroom problem, becasue the last time i saw this behavior was watching my friends "trip" on the funny little fungie. I wonder is it jesus making them high, or are they just retarded and lackign of all comon socail scense.

I talked to a good friend of mine today, and we discussed a possibilitie. We are looking into the possibilitie of rasing 5,000 dollars to dig a well in africa. 30,000 people die daily becasue of lack of healhy drinking watre. 5,ooo dollars could supplie a whole villiage with fresh drinking water. I want to do this becasue im sick of doding nothing, and I don't have enough money to give to all of the organizations, therfore i think that i could turn my efforts to raising money...just a thought.

well i better get back to homework,

peace

I Hate Sales

2006-07-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

I swear sales are going to be the death of me. I have bought so much stuff over the last couple of weekends becasue of all of the sales. I am gogin to be kicking myself in the butt a couple of months from now when i don't have any money.
Today i picked up an awsome new bag from target, it was on clearance for five bucks...SCORE!

I also picked up another shirt from old navy who would have thought that i could have actually found somethign at old navy.

My friend John was in town this weekend so it was goo to hang with him, i skipped watermarks gathering to listen to him speak...and....i miss watermark..I walked in the church and i coudl feel every ones eyes pointed straight at me. I totaly forgot that peopel dress up all fancy to go to church. I was wearing board shorts and a t-shirt..oops!

I felt very uncomfortable, and i would say that it was a bad expereince. i never want to feel that out of place, at a place where we are all supposed to be one body...It makes me more aleart for how i might do that when im at watermark..how do we make others feel..do they feel out of place.humm...probably not because where the best....KIDDING

well i definatly missed evereyone today.

We whent over to someones house to eat and the set up wasn't very chill..it was kind of uptight, i couldn't relax. I couldn't tell you what was wrong i couldput my finger on it, but i thoguht of some changes to make to make it better. I really think it had everything to do with the color. The main color theme was a off wight with a some wood furniture. Maybe if there was more wood it would be alright, but i wasn't feelin it. I am trying to figure out how i want my dorm room to be becasue i would like to set it up so people want to come just to hang.

well im leavign...see you later!

Good morning san fransisco!!

2006-07-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

Regulators.....MOUNT UP!

T- ball ended last week wich is good news. I loved T-ball, but i get two more nights a week to do stuff now. It was a good experience beign a couch, it was fun to be able to encourage the kids and mke them feel like they where the best baseball players on the earth..Go Hank..Go.

Oliver was pretty good last night..sydney stole the show.

Im just hangin out at home enjoying the nothingness of my saturday...maybe i will go to good will....maybe i won't. the suspense is killing me.

see you all later,

willis

me busy

2006-07-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

I have reached that time, the time in which i have managed to make myself exreamly busy...well not necesarily extrealy busy but...extreamy commited to diffrent things. My schedual is butting and i am afriad that i might not get everything i wanted to get in this summer, but key things to fit in are:

:-:continue to be in community with my second family ( you know who you are)

:-:help with moto/ fullfill my exploratory

:-:work out

:-:Help with T-ball

:-:Visit my brother in the swiss-wis

:-:make some money to buy some bling

Those are my key things, i think i have one too many..but that will never change.

Im doing good, only six weeks left of work, see ya all later!

willis

busy week

2006-06-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

this week is unusually hecktict. For some reason i have a million things to do this week.

work
paper that are due at the end of july
fixing my car
makin millions of phone calls to spring arbor
t-ball
softball
lifting
heading up Moto

Ya its a busy week,but i really don't mind. I am most effective when i am busy, it allows me to simply roll from one thing to another. The down time kills me. for some reason i can't wait for school to start..don't get me wrong i HATE college, however i HATE work even more...and i only have a year left so that helps.

Nate is away today at a tigrs game so i am the head coach for today t-ball game. It will be a fun time as usual, my team rocks.

well good morning, willis

quickie

2006-06-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

once again im late for bed so here is a quick one.

T-ball is awsome, my team kicks but. Tonight was a very fun game and im proud of all the players.

Good slide Ryder..you where safe!

I love hangin with the family in grandhaven, its always fun, and it is the first and only group I can realyl say that i actualy fit into to..ya for that. you guys rock!

My birth family, the ma and pa "Which i love very much as well" are in wisconsin, which leaves me home alone. It makes me realize how alone i realy am. Its not a good feeling, but i won't go into that because thats a big ol pitty party for myself, and who wants to go to one of those parties...not me!!

lifes pretty sweet, it would be better if i didn't have to work, but lifes tuff, so deal!!

The jettas still broken down booo.

can't wait for my softball game tomarow.

i talked to the cat yesterday..that was wierd...i am going crazy..had a full conversation with the dag gone thing!! pray for my soul.

any ways i need to go to bed..good night!

willis

good timing

2006-06-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

Today was another good story of timing. My car broke down today on my way to the gathering. right when it broke down a guy noticed and helped me push my car off hte road. He then gave me a ride back to my house....awsome!

I needed to get my car to the repair shop so i called my friend mike. I used to hang out with mike in high school, an haven't really seen him until i had dinner with him on friday. So little did i know that i would be callign him today to help me out. He first toad my car to his house, and we looked at it and replaced some things that where bad, but no luck. We then toad my car to the repair shop where it will be fixed.

I don't have to worry about the money for this, because i got my first pay check in 6 weeks thursday. So everything kind of happened with good timing.

Willis

Being a learner

2006-06-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

today in the gathering i noticed something, everyone was fallowign along in their bibles to the message that was beign givin. They where joting notes and pulling thigns from the message, and thats when it dawned on me...i am not willing to learn.

I am eager to learn from others, i am egaer to leanr from their lives, and from their stories, but i can no longer learn from a message or from a lecture. As i was lookign around i realized that i was mising a lot of good stuff, i was failign to take in some good information from the message. I couldn't get into the story becasue i was not fallowing along in my bible.

It is a crappie feeling because i am supposed to graduate in a year, and i am gogin to be responsible for others, i will be responsible for their spiritual journeys. Its hard to imagine this becasue i feel so insignificant, so unworthy to teach, so unworthey to be used, so unworthy to be looked up to.

I know that God uses us even though we are unworthy, and compared to him we are definatly insignificant. These are classic christian sayings and stuff that i am well aware of, but these sayign only go so far. Although i feel very unable to do the job, and extreamly un-prepared, i know that this has to be normal. It just leaves me with a questions, one that i have asked many times. Is the current medium for delivering and retaining the message of jesus effective for a multitude of poeple, or is it aimed at only a small group of people, a group of people who do well in school, the group of peopel who get honored for their outstanding grades, and thier abilitie to retain mass amounts of usless information.

My whole life i have felt insignificant in all of these areanas. I am not a classic learner, i don't enjoy listining to people talk for boring amounts of time, nor do i learn very much from a class room. My whole life i have looked around at every one and felt like crap for beign me, for being different. but when will that all change, who will be the one who changes it.

Today during communion i actually felt good for being me, maybe it was God, maybe it was the bread and juice, i don't know. But for a breif second i felt good about being "dumb". Maybe i am the one who will change the status quo. Maybe i am the one to make the rest of the people fit in. Its true i don't know very many bible passgaes, nor could i get any name right in the bible, except jesus. To many studetns this wont matter, the thing that will matter is the person who actually whole heartedly beleives in the them. The person who will cheer them on despite their D's and Someone who will give them awards for being individuals, and not for being just like everyone else. This is a dream, it is somethign that i wish i could have expereinced, therfore it is my job to make it true for others. shalom.

Mike

quickie

2006-06-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

hey whats up wprld, or at least the two people reading this..i just wanted to sopt bye a give a little up date. I had an allright day at work today, i got the privilage of crawlign in a serivice tunnel all day at work, it was very old, therfore i was covered in black..something..and i saw some interesting creatures..okay just one spider, but it freaked me out.

I love the fact that im working becasue I need the money.

I just started a private journal, whih is more of a thought book, well i guess thats what a journal is. Thats gogin good, im sure i will forget to do it in a couple of ddays, but its good now.

i have to go to bed, i have another day of work tomarow.

I'm looking forwrd to couching T-ball thursday with nate, and im excited to start whatching band-of-brothers

I think my mind is screwed up. I was mowing the lawn to day, and i thought I completed the front, but when i looked out there a little while later i realized that i stoped with 3/4 left to go, whats up with that.

Willis

blessed

2006-05-30T17:32:00.000-07:00

blessed is somethign that you here a lot. In a christian community everything is ablessing, however i really think it gets over used. I have been ponderign the syaing "we are blessed to be a blessing" I realized a way in which i am blessed to be a blessing today.

It was my first day on the job, and i was pretty stressed. I don't know why but i tend to doubt myself, and my abilities a great deal. I have been blessed with the knowledge and understandign of building, creatign, and maintaining. I am a very machanical person and i enjoy figuring things out.

Today despite my doubt, i realized that I know way more than i give myself credit for. The guy i was working with said, run a feed to this box, out of that box connect this box, this box, this, box, then he pointed to a bunch of other receptical boxes. I knew exactly what to do, and i did it with little questions. After doing this i steped back and realized that this truly was a complex taske, one that not any old person can easily do.

I belive it is becasue the knowledge that i have seems to be common sense, "well of course it works like that." but to others its not quit so easy. hmmm.

hear is where blessign comes in. I know these things about electrical, and other machanical things so that i can be a blessign to others. so that i can help others, who would otherwise have no clue. I like everyont have the want to be needed, the longing to be wanted. And i think maybe for too long i have doubted myself, and thoguht that i have nothing to offer, nothign to give, no reason to be needed. But maybe i have a little more gogin for me than i thought.

I hate writing like this becaus it doesn't seem very humble, i feel like im bragging, but im not trying to, im just tryign to share my feelings in a well roudned fashion...the ups..the downs...and most fo the time all around! wow that was cheezy.

Willis

1:00am

2006-05-25T22:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight like most nights was a late night for me. After a while you begin to see patterens in mood and thought, when you make a habit out of late bed times. Durign the normal hours of the day it is easy to be busy, and wast time with the every day events of life. Its easy to forget about questions, doubts, and lonliness. These things are simply lost in the business of life.

However when you are out when every one else is inside, you are left with something much different. There is no more people, nore more noise, nor more busyness to emerse yourself into. The only thing there is is yourself. When you look around there is nothign knowone, you are left facign your toughest critic, your doubts, fears, and bagage. At 1 am it is impossible to escape who you truly are, and what you truly think.

Tonight like most nights i spent a couple of hours in deep contimplation. I thought about many things. I will spare you from the bulk of it, becaus eit is rather depressing. however i will share a part, a small fraction of a bigger picture of thought.

We all have two things in common. first we all start with a bigining - birth. This is where life starts and where we begin to be formed. Fallowing birth we take place in a journey called life. In life there are many paths that we can travel down, and down these paths hold more paths and more choices. However we also share one more thign in common, an ending. At one point or another we all expereince death. We may do many thigns during our lives, good or bad, but at one point or another, we will all stop breathign and our heart will no longer continue to beat.

As i was lying on the beach i was wondering what the point was. I was wondering if it would be any different if i where to simply be washed away by the waves. At one point or another i woudl be dead, does it really matter if its now, or after more life. Will it really matter once im dead. Is life simply the postponing of a death that is enevatable. Its kind of funny becasue i am a big procrastinator, and in a way life is sort of a way of procrastinating death. We all live to avoid this one thing, but whould we rally know if we where already dead.

not a suicide note, simply a thought at 1:00am

Willis

split

2006-05-23T19:52:00.000-07:00

today i watched the movie the wedding crashers. It was funny and uncomfortable. I am not a good lier, therfore i was nervouse for htem the whole time. Nothign anoys me more than someone who is living a lie. This is the reason why i don't like college becasue i feel that they are all living a lie.

But if i dislike it so much, than why do i do it every day!......

Why do i hold back who i am in different sircumstances, so that i will fit in, or not make certain people angry!

I heard a quote today that came from a very different source. It wnet like this.."i needed to quit looking for the perfect women, and i needed to become the man i am supposed to be" Roughly translated. It came from Johnathan, who is a hair styalist on the bravo channel.

His words where deep and full of meaning. When he said it i perked up and something inside me completely jived with what he was saying. It wasn't new for me, however it was in my gut, and it has been something ive been tryign to do for a while. I simply need to become the man i need to be.

I mean this in much more than simlpy dating or girl stuff, but with life. I have to look fear straight in the eyes and tell it to bother the weak, becasue i am strong. I never have been the kind of person to be afriad, or to look at a porblem and think "its too big" ive always live my live pushing the boundries and the status quo.

As i look at the church for some reason something inside me has givin up. instead of looking at it as a problem that i can indeed fix, i keep getting agry at those who are in it. Its time that someone stops being angry, and starts making changes for the better. I want to see actual screwed up people back in church, i want to see those who are at the bars, and those who are in the malls, and those who are on the streets, those are the people who i want to see reached, not the rich and bored, but the broken and hurting. I want to see a church that is actually filled with normal people.

It is time that i once again stand up and become the man that i need to be, and quit worring about what others say i should be.

willis

Inner Beauty

2006-05-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

Inner beauty is somethign that is talked about amongst many girls. It is a value that needs to be taught to people in defense of the image the media portrayes. What is inner beauty..

It is being able to look in a miroir and see a beautiful person despite what is on the outside. Its being able to love yourself for who you are instead of what you are. This is a very simple concept to wrap your mind around, it is so simple to talk about, its not complex or multifaceted in any way. Its simply loving yourself because you are beautifully and wonderfully made. This is a simple concept..

thats why I don't understand how i strugle with this simple concept the most. I find it very difficult to love who i am, to be confident in who i am. Sometimes i can stand being who i am. Today i was looking at a photo that was just placed into my facebook profile, and it was the end of the last summer. I looked at the picture and saw that i was a tad skinnier than I am now. I imediatly started to think about how i can alter my diet and when i can run, and all of the above. I then looked in the mirior and started to hate what i saw.

People are quick to tell me why this is. They say that i can't love myself because i don't understand God's love...wow. I might not be a geneouse, but i can garuntee that know one really knows anything about Gods love. "God loves me, and i am beautifull, i am a dimond in the rough that any guy will be pleased to get" says classic church girl. guess what your ugly and the only thing that you will be lucky to get is my size 8 1/2 in your rear. okay so that was a little extream, It just makes me mad when someone tells me that i don't understand Gods love, and thats why im screwed up.

To make a long story short, i guess i am just simply wondering, why there has to be a bible band aid for every problem. If we stop and think about these little sayings we will realize that our brush strokes are a little broad, and our comments are a little close minded and quick.

The question i am wondering tonight is Why can't i love myself? Why do I hate the man in the mirior?

Willis

p.s. sprry for calling you ugly, classic church girl, im shure your actually beautiful, and im sure there is a guy out there specifically for your, too bad he is probably ugly too.

Running on E

2006-05-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

I hesitate posting what i want to post...mostly becasue who i am is not very fun to read about, and it sounds like i want pitty...when i don't. however today i want to just write and forget about all the crap..or what you..the reader..think. I care about you, i just don't care if you think this post is retarded...once again this is not for pitty its just my thoughts, and feelings.

Over these last couple of days i have gotten the opurtunity to think a great deal. I very rarly share my thoughts, because i don't want to bore people with drama, and feeligns and stuff.

Basicaly i feel like im running on E. I have felt like this for most of my life. I can look back on life and i really can't see times where i was complete or really extreamly happy. I have always been searching for something, somethign has always been off. In high school this big empty space in my life was supposed to be a God size hole. Well i guess then i don't understand why God refuses to fill it. This has been the main component to the skeptic part of who i am. My doubts come from the fact that i am a person who never really feals full at any moment. How can God be their for me and love me, and all that stuff, when I feel so..Un-loved..empty..alone..

People wonder why i get so frustrated with the church, how can i dislike somethign that is so good. Well its simple becasue its not so good. Everyone in the christian culture likes to tell me whats wrong with me, they try to understand me, mostly so that they can feel good about themselves, and so they can do "their" part. Ive never really felt very genuine concern from people in the church. People are quick to give Bible band aids, and they say things like "In Gods timing..or its all in his hands" What the flip does that mean. People say stuff just to hear themselves talk, just to feel good about themselves, and pat themselves on the back.

back to me...lets take a journey into the past...I have always been an awckward kid, who really never quit fit in. I tried my hardest but failed miserably. one key point was my freshman year of high school. I was on the wrestling team and was tryign my hardest to fit in and to do my part on the team. But for some reason i had a sine around my neck that says pick on this kid. I never thought it was possible for people to be as crule to another human as they where crule to me. The whole season they would ridicule me and make me feel like crap(this actually started big time in football before wrestling). It was like the last night of wrestling, and we where all cleaning up. One of kids on my team thought it would be awsome if he hit me as hard as he could in the arm. I didn't want to get hit so i tried to block his punch, however i was simply able to deflect his punch, directly into my face...I then started to tear up, however the tears wherent coming from the hit. It was because everyone started laughing at me, they called me an idiot becasue of what happened, i shouldn't have defended myself. those tears that come out..where the last tears that i was able to shed. After that moment i stopped feeling...i stoped feeling anything...i became numb..to this day i have been unable to cry..un-abel to feel. I am Empty..

Its hard for me to enjoy life..i can enjoy small momnets..but mosty i sit quitly..and just watch as life goes by and is lived..
I wait for my turn ..i wait for the momnet when i too can have fun..when i too can actualy feel an emotion..an emotion that is more than fear, hate, anger, lonliness...I want to love.

I want to love poeple and be a srevent who helps without price. That is the person i want to be. Ive been tryign to serve others, and loving others. I hope someday through this i will actually be able to feel the love i am giving, maybe some day i will be able to love, and most importantly maybe i will be able to love myself.

I dream of the day that i can once again feel, the day in which i can find what im looking for, the day when i am not so Empty!!

thanks for listining,

Willis

once more

2006-05-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

just wanted to check in and welcome a new blogger to the party. Cara hoeks has now joined the bloggin world, so the two people who read my blog, read hers to...or else!!!!>:-0

dang it

2006-05-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

i give up. Now that "Hello" works on my computer i thought i would upload a picture into my profile. The one below is the one i was trying to put in, however i copy the html and stick it in the slot and it says that it needs to be a JPEG...the only problem is, it is a JPEG. I tried to publish it as a normal .jpg and as a .jpeg but neither worked, and its only 25k so it shoudl work, butt it doesn't..hmmm...if anyone knows whats gogin on, than please share some info.

computers just don't seem to work like they should, so i shouldn't have expected any less. ah well.

today i had a fun filled day. First i started out at walleys new house, we did some work in the front yard and back yard. It was cool, and we did it all with out wally knowing. We wherent gogin to tell him, but it leaked out to him that we did it. ah well. Its a nice house, adn im glad they could get it.

Then i helped paint N8 house, which was fun. I climbed up onto the roof and painted their window sills. It was a little risky, the only thing keeping me on the roof was my death grip on the ledge of the window, one slip and i would have been in the good ol hospital. but im not..so yaa.

well im going to play some poker and then bed.

peace, willis

2006-05-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

lets try again

2006-05-19T21:14:00.000-07:00

Rockin the Hawk

nothingness

2006-05-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

Im sitting in the basment of my paretns house right now. I have been sonsumed by somthign that i have run from my whole life...nothingness... I have always wanted to be somthing..be sombody. But i look back on my life and see nothign but hoops and checkpoints. I look at my life and don't really see much...sure i do have some good things going for me..im almost done with college..i have some sweet friends..you know all that good stuff. But i still feel like my life is lacking..well a purpose rigth now. This whole last year i would wake up and pretty much not see the point of even getting out of bed. today i got up at twelve, ran 4 miles, ate lunch..biked six miles..watched a movie...and now im typign on my computer...sure i did a lot today, but it really didn't matter much. I could have slept through today and nobody would have even noticed..im not throughing a pitty party..not at all, i know im cared for, and i have a lot of good friends..its not that..its just that i have done nothing but jump through hoops, ive done so many temporary things that my life seems a little meeningless. My life is nothing more than a hoop that i keep jumping through.

I just want something to build somethign of meaning. Possibly a relationship..possibly a program..or a buisness.. I want to wake up and work on somthign that will be around for more than a semester. I want to wake up with pride, and know that my day will mean something..i want to hit the pillow at night and actually sleep becasue im not wrestless for once. I want my life to mean more than a grade!!!!

"This is your life are you who you want to be"
switchfoot

Mike

2006-05-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

life is like one giant rainy day....well maybe its not quit that dramatic...but i hate final papers!!

On a lighter note, im excited to be done in a week, thats pretty cool, im trying to work things out so that i can actually graduate next year, but im runnign into some complications. cross your fingers.
I was also excepted ontot the trip to cambodia for next january, thats pretty sweet...alright i need to go type some papers..see ya.

mike

Stress

2006-04-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

I have finally reached that point......

the point in which every college student hates the most.....

The end of procrastination.....

I can feel the stress starting to settle in my shoulders, and its force will weigh me down for the rest of these two weeks.....

I have 24 big tasks to due before i can leave, out of those 24 things is 13 papers...most more than four pages....

I have my fallowing days planned out, so hopefully i can stick to my plan, or i will flounder at the end and not finish off the semester very good...

but im always up for a good challenge...so BRING IT ON COLLEGE...I will not give up..i will not quit...wahoo.

Willis

Twist of Fate

2006-04-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

I don't really know what exactly twist of fate means, but the fate of this college studetns for the next school year has been drastically altered. As many of you know i have been fed with with college for th longest time, it is hard for me to sit in a class room and learn about ideas and stuff. Im getting sick of learngin about postmodernism, i woudl much rather learn how i can help my friends who are gettting their girl friends pregnat, depressed, suicidal, alcaholics, you name it and i have a friend who does it or is it. It frustrates me to have to be learning about stupid things like why modern people suck and why postmoder ways will save my friends...humm it makes no sence to me.

anyways...my fate..ok....I was gogin to go intern elswhere, and take a break from college. Thi s was supposed to give me a good break so i could re-collect myself, and charge up for the final lap of college. These plans have since changed. I was looking in the mirior after talking to Dan Ward, and i juist said to myself "just suck it up, and quit complaining." Therfore i registered for classes next semester and im gogin to try to finish, and get the heck out of college. So hopefully i can find the motivation to move on.

Im off to go grill some burgers, so peace out,

mike

Growing Old

2006-04-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

Well today i had a bit of a pradigm shift on growign old. As you know from n=my last post I was discussing how sucky it is to grow old and then just die..but maybe there is more...

I was watching the notebook and i realized that their might be more to life than being young and indistructable. Life is more than just conquoring your fears, building and empire, and changing the world....There is more to life than makign money and havign fun..

mayby its about getting old and dying...possibly with another to share in the experience...its the culmination of a life that has been well lived..a celebration of what youv'e done on earth...maybe dying isn't so bad. I can imagine that it will be great to be old with someone who has shared many expeireinces, like children, grandchildren, grief, loss, and victory. I imagine it would be fun to look back on a life filled with happy memories, and then slowly pass..peacfully into the night..leaving behind a generation as proof to what youv'e done.

mike

two points

2006-04-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i watched an amazing movie called the never ending story. in the movie a kid reads a story about fantasia, which is being consumed by the great nothing. the great nothing was actually nothing, the world fantasia, which is human fantasys and dreams, was disapering and becomeing nothing. It was a good movie and it reminded me of life.

In life we live between two points, one our birth, and the next our passing. Between these two points we try to leave our mark, but many pass and simply leave nothing. many live and die and no one will every speak of their name again, they are nothing more than a grave stone in some semetary.

durign my run today i was thinking how meaninless life seams to be. In between these two points we have two major paradigm shifts, in the bigining of life we look to the future, ie. "I can't wait to get into high school, or i can't wait to get married or get a job" then during many people mid life we start to look back and look to how things where, "i wish i could be bak in school, i wish i could play on a team, or party with my buds again."

I also saw an older cuple driving on my run and it mad me very sad. I just though, somday that will be me, i can't stop the aging process. All my dreams and problems and all that life has to offer will be done, and soon i will be old. I fear this stage of my life, the stage in which i look back and think about how good everything was, becasue im here now, and its not all that good.

I hear from many that i need to quit living in the moment, and that i need to plan for the future, but i would hate to live the future without a moment to look back on!

mike

Real, True, Life to the Full

2006-04-06T17:15:00.000-07:00

Today i was running..well slow jogging and i was sort of talking to-yelling at- slash bargening with God. I was just thining about how so many christians appear to have such a fake sence of and realtionship with God. And I realized that this is the form of christianity i used to have, and i feel that this is mostly due to people blindly fallowing God because there told we have to.

I am finaly understanding what it means to be in realtionship with God, a real relationship with God that is not about going to heaven. This is definatly not new to mostly everyone, this is somethign everyone always talks about. However i could intelectualyl rap my mind around it, and i know what that should look like, well i think i do. However I am findign that through yelling at God, and getting extreamly real with him, that i have actually been starting to get to a place where i might figure some things out. I am discoverign that this real relationship here, now, is much richer than the hopes of a relationship in the future, in some other place. For so long I have been on a search for goodness, and holieness, however i have been searchign in the wrong place. I can't just think then belive and thats that, i must become thirsty, i need to want it so bad that i will do anything to get it. Im not sure i have that yet, but i want it, more than anything on earth.

Im simply tryign to go from a place of being lost in rules and regulations to being lost in a love that will heal the pain i feal every day, and i want to share that love with those around me. That is life to the full.

mike

auction

2006-04-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

Today i was auctioned off to the highest bidder. We did a date auction at spring arbor, and my friends and i volunteered to rasie money for realay for life. It was a different type of expereince. You just walk up front and people start shelling out cash. wierd.

As i was watching others go before me i was very nervouse for them. Luckly people bid on them and no one got their feelings hurt. The bids where gogin up to like 20 - 30 bucks it was pretty sweet. Then it was my turn, and i stood up and there was silence....a nice long period of silence. Hmmm man was my self-esteem raising tremendously. it was wierd, but i eventually got bid on up to ten dollars, and my friends went for about the same, which is wierd becasue my friends are all good looking, and the others realy wheren't ah well.

My friend amanda ended up winning the date with me, so my friends and i will be gogin on a "date" it willl be fun. well maybe i should start on one the 7 papers i have due....or maybe not.

mike

"The Postmodern Infection"

2006-03-30T22:21:00.000-08:00

Today before class started, I picked up the schools news paper. At first glance it appeared to be the same old paper, with the same old not-so-interesting current events. You know some sheltered Christian telling us why we need to stop swearing, or why we should be thankful and stop complaining. You know “Christian” stuff. However my eyes hit an article that really took a jab at the culture that I am trying to understand, the title was THE POSTMODERN INFECTION.

Wow I could tell from this title that someone was seriously misguided. I read the article with an open mind and heart simply trying to pull from it what I could. He brought up some good points, but those points I feel where poorly explained and even. Well really not very true, so maybe they weren’t good points, I just don’t want to attack him like he attacks others. Let me share with you his main point, and I will sum it up with this direct quote,

“Many Christians who say they believe in absolute truth and the existence of the Christian God will, in the next moment, dogmatically assert that there is no true and concrete evidence or philosophical argument for Christianity (so one must have a truly blind faith)and that our faith would be much weaker if there were. They are wrong on both counts, both of which have the sounds of treachery and – far worse – postmodernism.” crusader writer

WOW…did he seriously use treachery and postmodernism in the same sentence. I will refrain from saying what I want about this comment and the person saying it. I will get know were by giving low blows.

His article basically boiled down to postmodernism rejecting all forms of reason. He specifically states that postmodernism is void of all reason. I’m not claiming to know a great deal about postmodern theology, although I have been trying to be a student of this new era. In my time studying postmodernism, I have learned that it is a difficult beast to understand, and I feel that the writer of this needs to do a little more research. I don’t think postmodernism is void of reason; instead it is reasoning in a different way.

I simply chuckle that this writer would feel so passionately against postmodernism, instead of taking it as an insult I will take blame. I feel that the people, who are studying postmodernism and so on, can some times be a tad bull headed. I know there have been times where I have passionately debated something, simply to debate. I will take the balm for not trying to create peace and help my brother to understand where I’m coming from, and try to be a good representative of the postmodern culture. I’m sorry to all who feel threatened by postmodernism and so on, I’m on the journey with you trying to figure it all out, don’t give up on me. There are great things that we can all learn from each other. Please lets stop being a church that is divided, and help me band together to create unity to do our JOB. Please help me reach out to the sick, poor, lonely, and beaten down. I love to talk theology so lets do it, put lets not let it affect our mission.

yup

2006-01-06T20:16:00.000-08:00

im just in my new room chillin. I moved in with a bunch of my friends and it is pretty sweet. They are all out skating right now, i had to work so i couldn't go. Therfore im jst waiting for them to return so that we can go watch a movie with some peeps. yup.

I got some new jeans today from the buckle. they are pretty sweet. I love them already.

i got into a conversation with an emplooye today it was a goo dconversation. He is apastolic or something like that. I just talked to him and listend to him about the rules and strickt crap that he has to go through. Its funny because i can tell that he has so many questions. He even told me that he can't ask questions, if he asks questions than people will question his faith. wow. I can't imagine being in a community where you can't discover your URL (unique role in life). He has no way of making his faith his own. He only beleives what people tell him. Its sad. I hope that i will be able to help free him form this form of bondage. I hope i can allow him to find the freedom in christ that is talked about in the bible. Freedom....hmmm.
have a good one yall

trellis

homosexuality and me

2005-12-22T19:36:00.000-08:00

I was in Bannana republic today, it was fun. Being in the store carries a sence of liberation. its not liberating as much for me becasue im metrosexual, not homosexual. However, it was liberating in the sene that the workers ho where guys might have been. It was cool because i talked to one of the workers for a while, wich is cool becasue according to the CODE im not supposed to talk to homosexuals....well i did.

I personaly have nothign wrong with people who choose a homosexual lifstyle. It is no diferent from the sinnful path i have chossen. There sin carries more wheight in our culture but it shouldn't in my heart. I really want to become close friends with someone who is homosexual..it woudl be a friendship that could start the healing betwean strait and not strait.

I was thikning how fun it would be to work at the bannana republic. I would enjoy befriending those who work there. It would also be fun to make everyone think i was gay, becasue im not...i don't know why that would be fun, but i can allready here the rumors...did you here mikes gay....that would be funny. then in the future when i marry an awsome women it wil throw everyone off..yup...im wierd like that.

trellis

Mad

2005-12-14T21:34:00.000-08:00

i hate being so angry all the time. why am i angry.

Im angry becasue people don't like different, they have a sick twisted obsesion with the norm. For some odd reason the norm seams to be radicle to them...hmmm

Today i was told that there is a fine line betwean being radical and being rebelious...this is funny to me. because this was someone who was basically tellign me that i was just being rebeleouse..that everything that i am doign is selfish, and im doing it just becasue i want to.

This felt like an attack on my heart.

i am simply trying to make sence of a life that is not so perfect, and not so clean and not so mechanical. but everyone around me thinks that becasue im thinking in terms of 2+2could equal 3.they freak out. CANT BE. YOU ARE BEING REBELIOUS. hmmm.

I find it impossible to have a conversation without being attacked any more.

what people fail to realiaze is that its easy to defend the norm..its easy to defend a system that has been arounds for years...but to attempt to change isn't easy..its not easy to defend why i do what i do..it migth not make sence on paper..but im sick of living on paper..I feel that what im doign is more rigth..is it right i don't know..but i know that what i was before sucks.

in order to be radical don't you have to make change...and isn't change in a way a rebelion...can we just not use the word rebellion. its to condeming. im not rebelling im just changing..evolving..tryign to make at least a little bit of sence.

hmmm..

trellis

for real this time

2005-12-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

okay this one is for real i can actually concentrate for a brief minute, well a little.

so college is going, well bad, but i am trying to make the best of it.

im working at the buckle, its a sweet job, i really like it.

not really helping in a ministry anywhere" besides my life as a ministry", wich i guess its kind of like a break before the big shebang, but i still don't like it.

I have one week left of school, can't wait.

i have a ton to do but I'm not sure how much i will get done.

I can no longer type in paraghraph form becasue im gramatically burnt out.

besides all that negitive stuff, i am doign al right. i feel that i am truly pushing the boundrys of what my thoughts on life are. I feel that i am in a cacune and i am evolving into something beautifull...the process seams to be long and never endign, but i like ti that way. Im not sure i want any answrers, just better questions, questions that will help others and not just myself. I feel that i have been servign myself a ton lately and i don't like it. well i better get into the shower, peace yall.

trellis

2005-12-10T22:10:00.000-08:00

Well i don't know what to say

i suck at posting

i suck at college

i love bunnys

and warm snow pees

im gogin to go watch some super trooprs

whats up with the ADHD stuff are you tryign to tell me something

i hate snow

trellis

ME

2005-10-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

Iv'e been thinking....and I don't hate ME...the real ME....I hate the ME i have become....I hate the ME that worries so much about what others think about me, and I hate the ME that tries so hard to fit in........well im done. From now on i need to be ME....to start im goging biking...yes its 2 in the morning........but hey thats me.

Trellis

Me

2005-10-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

Well here is going to be another long post. Why do i post so long, and why am I going to reveal so much about me. Well I just want to give "savala valia" another reason to leave me a comment about some stupid sale.
Well here we go.

Its that time of year, I call it the great pair up. Its that time of the year when all of the single college students start to pair up with other college students. I don't know why happens like this. About a month and a half into the school year everyone starts to hook up. its a very funny site. I think it takes this much time for the attractive people to find other attractive people and start dating.

Tonight was a perfect example. I went over to my friend’s house and somehow I ended up being the fifth wheel. The great pair up happened right their in the living room. We watched a movie and it was impossible to hear with the sound of fresh lovers flirting. I thought I was in a cage with bunny rabbits, the only thought in my mind was "why don't you just start humping already" sorry.....

Why....
Why does this always happen, how is it that everyone seams to get involved in the great hook up but me. I’m not having a pity party for myself here, because i realize that it is my fault. For a while i thought that it was because I’m too picky.....but then I realized I’m not really picky....not at all actually. I’m not too picky, im too defensive. Something inside me physically won't let me get close. When i feel like im getting close to someone i do something to scare them away. I will get freaked out and totally ditch them. I’m not exaggerating at all. I have dodge two relationships this year that way. I made one girl cry.....oops.....and i totally stopped hanging out with one girl that totally dug me.....oops...sorry mom.

Why...

Why....

Well i have been realizing something about myself lately. I can't get close. I am an introvert living in the shell of an extrovert. If you know me a little you will know that i always want be doing something or i want be out among people doing something. Well doesn't that mean im an extrovert......im out not in............well not really....the only reason that i go out is so that i people can't get in. to stay in one spot is to risk someone actually getting to know me. I don’t want people to know me. What’s so bad about me....well nothing....unless your me...... I hate ME.

ME

rain rain go away

2005-10-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

well i ahve another big art project due tomarow, unfortunatly it just started raining so i can't work on it. If it dosn't stop im screwed.

Homecomeing was a good time, my friends and i dressed up as ninja turtles and enterd the dance to vanila ice's GO ninja go ninja go. It was fun.

im exsaughsted, so see you later.

trellis

long post

2005-10-13T16:28:00.000-07:00

here is a paper i just wrote on who i am. Its not really in good APA format, but i really dont give a crap. It s for my drawing 1 class, feel free to read it,

Who am I…….

Good Question. Do I have an identity, or am I just another piece of mass floating around in this world, hoping for luck to grant me a wish. I only see myself as a replica of the people and things around me. Do I have an identity, or am I simply flesh trying to pimp myself to the max so that I can score a good looking lady. I work out every day so that I can be healthy and attractive. Why? Good question. Who am I and why do I exist.
A good place to start would be to say that I am a “why not” person. For some reason everyone thinks that they need to have a long list of benefits in order to do something. What is the point of living that way, does everything have to have purpose. Many people don’t understand why I do the things I do, especially my parents (although they have been very supportive). They always wonder why I make some of the decisions I make. For example, in high school I played three sports wrestling, track, and football. I decided that I no longer wanted to play sports; I wanted to race mountain bikes. Therefore I quit all my sports and started racing mountain bikes. Everyone always asked me why I would do such a thing; my answer was always “Why not”. This is very much how I have lived my life up to this point; boxing “why not”, power lifting “why not”, RC cars “why not”, Electronics “why not”, Youth ministry (well there was a little more thought into this one) “why not” and finally minor in Art “why not”.
To say I haven’t had much purpose in my life might be a bit of a lie. The truth is that I love to be around people. During my life time of trying new things, I have meet a bunch of different types of people. The common denominator with all these people is the long to belong. Everyone I have meet has been head over heals into something. The mountain bikers spend all their money and time on bikes, the boxers spend all their time consumed with boxing, and every one is dominated by something. What is it that dominates me; well it’s my love for people. This is why I am not totally sold out for one thing, As long as I’m with people I’m okay. If I am not with people I get depressed. Like right now, I have been doing homework so much that my people interaction is at an all time low, and so is my mood. All day today I have either wanted to cuss someone out or lie on the floor and sob. Why does this happen, I don’t know it’s who I am.
This brings me to my next point of who I am, I am a basket case inside the body of a sane person. It has been my discovery that we are all crazy in our own way, yet we all try to hide who we are inside our image of perfection. I have spent hours upon hours worrying about what people think about me. I buy tons of new clothes and work out non-stop just to fit into a mold of a perfect person. I am defiantly not perfect. If I was tested I’m sure I would be diagnosed with ADHD or ADD. My mind is never silent, it never takes a break. I am always somewhere else in mind when I should be here right now. Here is the list of things I just thought about.

-How do I look
-is the person next to me reading this
-Is my laundry done?
-my thumb hurts
-I’m hungry
-Am I Fat?
-should I eat less tonight
-I wonder where I will be in the future
-what is the name of that song?
-do I have any more homework
-I wonder how homecoming is going to be

And those are only a fraction of the many things swarming around in my mind. In order for me to quiet my mind down I have to play video games. Then my mind goes into a state where little to no thinking is done, I love video games.
Who am I, Good question? These things that I have discussed are a little bit of who I am. I hope to discover who I truly am in the future. And I hope to share this journey with others, and help them if needed. Some call it a search for the meaning of life, I call it ministry.

Trellis

hey yall

2005-10-12T21:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the long pause in posting, I am too dang busy...or lazy..one of the two.

i am extreamly tired and my body is at the point of shut down. I can't describe the feeling of all this work and and such short deadlines....oh wait i think i just found the word...HELL!

I have spent way too many hours in my art classes, i enjoy them, but they consume my life....wait i just lied, my 2D class is the worst class ever. Mrs. Farmback really rubs me the wrong way. I have a nickname for her, but for the sack of all you i wont say it. ANyway im trierd....by.

trellis

overload

2005-10-06T18:22:00.000-07:00

Well ive hit that inevitable part of the school year. The week that everything decides to happen. I have a ton of stuff to do and i am goign away for the weekend. i hsould be able to get it all done. I have a landscape drawing due monday and i ahve spent 4 hours on it so far, and i have about another 7-8 left to go. im having fun with it so the time has been gogin by pretty quickly.

I have had two interviews so far at circuit city, and they should call me back soon to tell me if i got the job or not. i twould be cool to get the job, but i t would also be cool to have more hours free for homework and fun. Well see how it goes.

i bought a new pan last night and its awsome. I cooked the best chicken ever today with it. I did the cool through the chicken in the air thing and catch it. i am definatly goign to score a lady soon with these cooking skills, and numb chuck skills.

Please post your blog sites on my comment thing i want to read all yours, im just to lazy to find them. ok i have to go, more work "video games" to do.

Trellis

ceader point

2005-10-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

late last night i returned home from a pretty fun trip to ceader point. My friends and I rode a ton of rides and then we walked through the firght zones becasue it was hollow weekend or somehting like that. The fright zones where fun because it was all foggy and there where strange ights set up everywhere. It was cool becasue random dressed up people would jump out at you and scare you. Wich gave me a great ideea, i can scare people too. Therfor a couple of friends and i hide behind some of the fog clouds and had fun jumping out and scaring the crap out of people. They jumped so high, it was great.

now im sore from all the walking and i have a ton of homework to do. so see you all later.

trellis

Late night

2005-09-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

im about to do the dumbest thing ever. Im about to stay up for many more hours. The problem with that is i have a 7:50 class. that is going to be fun tomarow. however i have a mission and this mission must be carried out, unfortunatly it is classified, so non of you can know what im up to. Don't worry dad i probably wont get injured.

Trellis

wahoo, my room is super coo

2005-09-26T17:58:00.000-07:00

My room is now stocked with some cool new stuff. We know have a tv, and a record player. Sweet my room is cool.

My foot still hurts i have a doctors apointment tomarow, i hope they can fix me.

im speaking in short blips becasue thats what my mind is doing right now

i love cheese

Go Lean is gross but it helps you poop. okay bye.

Trellis

Two big concerts one huge headache

2005-09-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

ya so i am still sick, but i didn't want to let that hold me back. therfore i decided that i would go t o a concert today. It was free and there was gogin to be pizza, so i went. on my way to the BASMENT where they where having it i developed a headache. I still went and enjoyed it. However my head was now pounding, so then i decide to go to the call, witch is a praise and worship thing. It was loud, very loud, now i am in pain, why am i typing, im gogin to bed. goodnight

trellis

blah

2005-09-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

im sick blah, i hate being sick.

trellis

Advertisment

2005-09-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

What the heck is up whith advertisments. They are every where and now they are commenting on my private thoughts. I want to know what me wearing white t-shirts has to do with buying software, why would they leave such a stupid message on my comment thing. Watch now im gogin to get one after this post. Great blog, i love what you did with it you are a good writer, evenm though i miss spell every other word and the colors on my site are horrible. STOP LEAVING STUPID ADVERITISMENTS ON MY COMMENTS THEY ARN'T WORKING.

White-T wanabie

2005-09-19T21:27:00.000-07:00

Well today i made a big step inb recovering from my addiction of metrosexuality "trying to dang hard to look good". I baught white t-shirts and i amo nly wearing white t-shirts and athletic shorts all this week. If you know me you know that this is a big step. I don't like to dress down at all. but it needs to happen. I can't be defined by what im wearing or how much better i look than other people, i need to be defined by my personality. So we will see how this goes.

Trellis

I pulled a Willis

2005-09-18T18:31:00.000-07:00

Well today i did it againg. I was coming home from apple bees when my friends and i decided to have some fun. We got in front of another one of my friends and started to go really slow. So then i figured i would jump out of the car and run in the other lane so he would be stuck. Well when i put my foot on the ground it found its way underneath the rear tire . Yes i got run over by the car i was sitting in. And yes i do feal a bit dumb. luckly my foots all right its just a little soar.

Trellis

SWEET!!!!!

2005-09-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

did you catch the URL to my new blog its awsome. I cant belive it wasn't taken by somewhone. whahoo.

Well I am officially back on the blogging scene. I am back by popular demand, so this is for all my fans out there. SO what have i been up to.

Well today i was supposed to go out to eat and then to a movie with some girls and some guys. however I forgot that Bandfire was tonight. I decided to skip bandfire, but bandfire didn't skip me. Right when i got to CC's pizza i called a couple of my friends and they came and got me. Yes mom i ditched single girls to go watch my guy friends scream into microphones by a huge fire. It was fun.

What else is going on, well my car broke down today, i think the clutch is bad, i don't know i will figure it out. I am about to go to bed so see you all later, thanks for reading.

Trellis